Who's Proud of Me?

Yesterday I was watching the Golden Girls on DVD. YES I have the entire series on DVD. Its one of my favorite shows of all time. One of the funniest on TV ever. So anyway, I was watching an episode where Blanche's father passed away and as she was at his grave site she said that she doesn't have anyone else in her life to be proud of her.

It was at that moment that I realized that's what I have been feeling for a while but it never occurred to me until I heard her say that on that episode. As I have stated on here before my mother passed on 7/30/2006, and I have been having this emptiness in my heart ever since. Yes, I still have a father, sister, and aunts/uncles who I am close too they still cannot measure up to my mother. In all honesty she was the one who was ALWAYS proud of me the most, she encouraged me the most and she loved me the most. Someday down the road I will get my Masters degree but I won't have my mother there to be proud of me...sure my family will be happy for me but for me being proud and happy are two totally different emotions. Someday I'll get married and have a child and as great as those moments will be I still won't have my mother there to be proud of me.

Life is a funny and interesting thing. It has its ups and downs and its never fair but you have to survive in it and make the most of it. No amount of typing in this blog or praying will ever bring my mother back and fill this emptiness in my heart, cause whats done is done, and its up to me to be proud of me.

My Weekend

Considering my previous post I had a blast this weekend going back to my alma mater for the Black Alumni Reunion. On Friday I had the chance to sit in with one of the DJ's on campus radio and watch him do his show. He does an old school show every Friday from 9-11pm. Its called the Time Machine check it out sometime at http://www.wuag.net. It has always been a secret desire of mine to have my own radio show and play the music I want to play. So it was great to sit and watch J-Mas do his thing. He even had a special guest he interviewed...Busta Brown from 97.1. I actually knew Busta from when he worked at 102 Jamz and he was cool.

Saturday night was great. We had the Annual Black Party. Of course there were quite a few who refused to wear all black.. (one went as far to wear all white..lol)but I digress, the affair was classy and great. The event is organized by two members of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity. The DJ was great and playing a lot of Old school music (at least what I consider old school). THEN out of the blue as I was dancing with this beautiful young lady the DJ switched up and put on Soulja Boy.........................she started doing it and I had to leave the floor. I'm sorry.. I'm 31 I AINT doing the Soulja Boy...lol. I did partake in 3 vodka and cran's.. one was a courtesy from the bartender.. free is the ISH. Caught up with a few people I hadn't seen in a while, took numbers from people who I knew I'd never call...lol..Needless to say I'm not 21 anymore and began to get sleepy around 1am.. borderline comatose actually.. but I hung in until around 2am.

As I prepared to leave on Sunday I heard about a youth forum that was taking place at the War Memorial Auditorium from 4-6 so I decided to go. I am so glad I did. This forum was strictly about the youth and allowing them to express themselves...there was no adult feedback. Even though I know how important it is for fathers to be around for their children I'm really beginning to think that it is becoming critical for our young ladies. At least 5 or 6 young ladies got up and spoke about how they needed their fathers. Most needed to know who their fathers were. One young lady passionately pleaded with fathers to not leave their children. It was truly heartbreaking to see and hear that from someone that young and who shouldn't be concerned with such issues. The young brothers who were there spoke passionately about the same issues and how tired they are of being targets of the police. I mean these brothers were 13-15 years old. When I was that age I was no where close to worrying about such things. Almost all the students complained about how many times teachers tell them that they are not smart enough to do handle basic homework tasks. I can't even imagine a teacher (when I was in school) tell me such a thing... a black teacher especially.

Its weird how things can change in a matter of days... earlier last week I was ready to write off black people then this past weekend the children inspired me to want to help and reach out. Lets continue to pray for our young people. I have learned that while I don't like they way they act sometimes and hate the music they listen to and hate their attitudes towards education.. I still care and I want them to be successful.

Makes Me Wanna Holler

I don't quite know how to structure my thoughts in this post as my thoughts are ALL over the place after the last few days. So excuse all the horrible sentence structure, grammar, verb tenses etc.. and please bear with me. In light of the Jena 6 and Genarlo Wilson stories that have been going on for quite some time, my spirit of activism was very high. I was upset that I didn't get on the bus for the Jena 6. Seeing the pictures and watching all the live footage on CNN made me feel as if I was witnessing a radical new-esque type of civil rights demonstration. I even wore all black attire to protest the injustice going on in Louisiana. It was such a high.

Well on this past Monday my high came to a crashing halt and I was reminded of another reality. I am a certified mediator and right now I am doing my internship in District Court and for the first time in my life I felt so ashamed and disappointed in my black people. For five hours I sat in a courtroom and witnessed my people look and act a damn fool in court.

In District Court the day starts with the DA doing the calendar call(which is basically a roll call of the cases on the docket). Well quite a few cases involve people who have been arrested and are currently in jail(usually 24-48 hours). On this day they brought up 40 inmates, 5 whites and 35 blacks. Out of the blacks only one was a female and the rest were males. Out of those 34 black males about 20 were there for "assault on a female", and when I tell you that they had NO CONCERN about being in jail I MEAN IT!!! It was the most hopeless thing I had ever seen in my life. Several had the audacity to laugh as the DA read the details of the charges...EVEN WORSE.. the females that they assaulted didn't even bother to show up in court so the DA had to call for a summons in every one of those cases.

My thoughts are everywhere right now so bear with me. I must address the demeanor and dress of my black people who were in court. Knowing that you have to show up in court is not instantaneous, you are given ample notice as to when you are to appear. I mean I saw horrible weaves(to the point of the track literally hanging off the head), tall tee's, sagging jeans, niggas tatted up like Lil Wayne, rocking wife beaters, and overall just totally disrespectful. I felt like I was the fish out of water and I was just there for mediation. I was approached several times by people who thought I was an attorney when I advised them I was not.. I kid you not one dude told me "shit..you all dressed up like you one". I couldn't do anything but walk away. I was raised and taught to be proud of being black and always try to represent myself in the best light at all times and before anyone says it... yes I am intelligent enough and I know ALL black people are not criminals and that they ALL don't act like NIGGAS but in this environment they were the MAJORITY and it was not a great feeling at all. I was thinking maybe these people weren't educated and just had no hope until.................

TODAY. I had the great pleasure of representing my agency at my alma mater today for a career fair. Those feelings I had this past Monday came rushing back within the first hour. I mean my supposedly educated black brothers came one after the other to my booth and left me wondering how they got into a college. They came to a job fair with no resumes, some were in baggy shorts, and the communication skills were sorely lacking. One guy who approached our booth was senior who was graduating in May and had not ONE clue as to what he wanted to do when he graduated. YES... I know a lot of students are unsure of their career plans after graduation BUT as a senior you should have some sort of clue. This young brother had none and his lack of confidence was apparent the second he stepped to the booth. When I was in college they taught "what to do and not to do" of job fairs and interviews. I guess times are changing.

I'm not 100% sure why I typed all of the above and I'm not sure what the lasting impact of it will be on me personally but I just know that I am affected by it and I am becoming increasingly weary of dealing with black people? Can I change it? Do I think everybody should be like I want them to be? Do I think I am better than these people I just described? Am I afraid that I may resort to being like them? Am I willing to extend myself even more to the youth ? Am I becoming too judgmental to be an effective agent for change?

I warned you guys my thoughts were all over the place...as I stated earlier I'm not sure what all that I have typed means.......but I know i just want to HOLLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hip Hop Abs

OKAY!!

I got this workout program. Most that know me knows that I'm trying to get in shape so I'm trying a lot of different routines. So last evening I popped in the DVD and thought I would give it a shot. Honestly..this is a tough program and I believe it will work I was tired within the first ten minutes...lol

There are only 2 drawbacks with this program. One is that you have to have some rhythm and be able to move to really do well. Of course the people in the video are all professional dancers so it's a little intimidating at first.

The second drawback is the host Shawn T.................................I can't begin to tell you how annoying I found him(dude has great abs and i guess knows what he's talking about) but GOD THIS DUDE IRKED ME...lol

Overall a good program... I'm gonna try it for a few months and see if I can obtain six pack abs....

Friday March 30th

I woke up this morning and I was in a GREAT mood. As I write this I'm smiling and very happy. Maybe because its payday..lol.. I'm not sure but I hope its a feeling I will have all day. Maybe its unspeakable joy because I can't explain it. Traffic was great this morning. I'm leaving work at noon today. I think I'm gonna buy a new Easter suit. LOL.. (y'all know you gotta look sharp with something new on Easter Sunday). The sun is shining this morning and I feel completely blessed.

Not sure why this is the TB of the day....but it was hot back in 1990 and I'm feeling powerful today

10 Things That Aggravate Me At Church

1. People who over use the tambourine. Everybody isn't meant to beat it. When you don't do it right it is truly aggravating and a nuisance. Keep still and sing like everybody else during the slow songs.

2. People who fake the spirit. Just cause your friend caught it don't mean you did too. If you running around the church and you stop out of breath after going only half way around we know you haven't been touched. SIT DOWN

3. People who constantly holla something to the pastor all during the message. We don't need a comment from you after every sentence he makes. We know he's "preaching" and we know he's talking to you." SHUT UP so I can hear him talk to me too.

4. People who constantly go to the bathroom. Nobody has to use the bathroom four times a service and you're clearly not on a date. SIT DOWN.

5. People who can't control their kids. If little Jay Jay is running all up and down the aisle and going back in forth to the bathroom then you need to learn not to SPARE THE ROD

6. People who take "Come AS YOU ARE" to a whole new level. I can understand if you going through. But if you got a fresh pair of

JORDANS on and a t-shirt there's a problem. I'll have to ask you to invest in some dress clothes. Since when is it OK for men to wear hats in the church and wear their pants to their ankles?

7. People who bring food to church. If you brought your little baby a little snack and you eating it dropping crumbs everywhere that's a problem. Take that Oreo and little Raekwon outside.

8. People who come to special church functions and criticize. If you standing in a corner gossiping about how you could've did a better job at something and you haven't volunteered to help with anything and haven't showed up to any invitations to join a ministry I'm a have to ask you to SHUT UP

9. People who obviously show they don't like you. If you
don't care for a person too much for whatever reason at least put up a decent front to look past it and act right in church. Don't cut a fool with your evil faces and smart comments.

10. Finally, parents that dress better than their kids.
If you come in looking like a model for a fashion show and little Ashley is dragging behind you looking like she belong on a Feed the Children commercial you are DEAD WRONG. Give your child a Just For Me perm, wipe your kids nose, comb your kids hair, buy them something decent to wear.Don't come out the house looking like a MILLION BUCKS while your kid looking like a FOOD STAMP.

It Was the Best of Times-1988-1990

I think I'm depressed again....lol

I have really been thinking back to when times were good.(like I always do). I have always stated that I think my favorite time in life had to be when I was in middle school. I can't really explain it other than it just was. Some of the best music in R&B came out from 1988-1990 when I was in the 7th and 8th grades respectively. That era is commonly known as New Jack Swing. Keith Sweat(say what you want but Keith was the man), Guy(best new jack group),Troop(owns my favorite song of all time),Karyn White, New Edition was reborn,Bobby Brown, Al B Sure,Christoper Wlliams, Janet Jackson and so many more just made the time period a CLASSIC. I think I may own every mp3 that was out during that time period(seriously). I got to meet so many new people in middle school. It wasn;t until 8th grade that I met my forever homie KK and we trip ALL of 8th grade. It was there I met David,Randy and so many others fellas and we just tripped out ALL THE TIME. Then something happened... I passed to the 9th grade and entered high school. The music was still great but the good times I had experienced in middle school weren't that great in high school. Honestly much of my time in high school was a blur....many of my friends I had in middle school either moved away(shout out to my homie Diral) or they didn't take advance classes and if they did we didn't have the same period. So in many ways I had to start anew and make new friends and that was hard for me. Also this was a time when I really had to mature and I can't say I was 100% successful. I didn't reach a 100% until college. It was just a weird time...LOL. I was academically fine in high school and socially ok but it lacked something. As I write this I'm still not sure what was missing in high school that didn't make it so hype for me.. On June 6,1994 high school ended and I couldn't have been happier. Again I didn't hate high school I just didn't have fun like I did in middle school. Even senior year wasn't exciting (even though the Class of 94 was da shit!!...lol). I'll be back with part two of my reflections on the next time the good times rolled for me....lol